I approached undertaking the Hoffman Process one year ago with the strong belief that this was a life raft for a drowning girl. I felt at the time completely hostage to my deeply dysfunctional relationship with food, had what I felt was a damaged and untenable relationship with my mother, and generally knew that I was doing this all to myself and couldn’t stop. While I had all of the visage of success with strong career achievement, high levels of education and a long and loving relationship, I was deeply unhappy and unsatisfied and always striving for something else that would be the magic bullet to calm down my inner anger and hurt.
The Hoffman Process comprehensively delivered on its promise. Like many participants, going into the Process, I was questioning the cost, its efficacy, and whether it could fix me. By the end of day one, I knew that no amount of money could adequately cover the changes that were beginning, and I had already filed it away as one of the best investments I’d ever made in self development work. (And over the years, I have spent tens of thousands on retreats, workshops, detoxes, therapy, diets etc). While I had concluded that the answer to my problems was locked in early childhood, and all the treatments I had been undertaking were fixing symptoms not causes, the Hoffman Process proved that, and went directly to the core. I feel as though the change began as soon as I committed to go, and was deepened by the pre course work, and then the 10 days and re-entry days afterwards was where the action happened.
12 months on, I feel I have a completely different sense of self. As soon as the Process was over I was able to have a relationship with mum as an adult, not as an adult child reacting and acting out long held patterns. This was transformative, and we have a loving, close and most importantly happy time together now, and are safe and strong in our love. Mum changed nothing about who she was – and nor should she, but I love all of who she is and what made her that person. When any niggles come up between us as they do, I see what patterns I am reacting to and make a note to self to work on those a bit more.
My surprising big revelation from Hoffman was to pursue a spiritual life, which I had always repressed as that was mocked in our family of intellectuals and sceptics. By embracing my love of Hinduism, Buddhism, bhakti yoga, my spiritual teachers and finding ways to undertake service to the community has given me the deep well of happiness that was just waiting for me to stop looking outside to other stimulus. I’m happy, calm, less striving to achieve for the sake of others thinking I’m worthy. I’m working from a different place, and that allows me to bring joy and devotion to everything I do. I’m not trying to fix the world, I’m fixing me and giving my best to everyone.
My relationship with food and my body is changing. Its not an overnight transformation, but it is loving and accepting and its no longer a battle, more like deeper levels of awareness and recovery as I release habits, addictions and patterns and replace them with consciously better options. And it doesn’t have to happen any faster than it is. It’s perfect rolling imperfection.
At the crowning of 2016, my resolutions for the year were to keep following my instinct, to keep exploring the joyful and painful parts of me, and keep using the tools I learned at Hoffman which are in play everyday in my post process life. The group I went through with has remained connected, we chat daily on WhatsApp and have created a beautiful space where we share out triumphs and disasters, and have a Hoffman family to hold us and allow us to work through each one without judgement. That is one of the most magical parts of all, to have found so many friends to love and be with, and I am almost as grateful for what happened after Hoffman as to what happened at Hoffman.
So, Happy Anniversary teachers and guides, thank you for creating this Process, and bringing your all to it, I remain deeply grateful to you for your part in my healing and happiness.
With much love and light, oms and fishes,
Dr Polly McGee
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